


Group Therapy

by ice_hot_13



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:44:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/pseuds/ice_hot_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ezio, Leo, and Rosa in a group therapy session. Things do not go well (Crack!fic)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Leonardo doesn't love me anymore."

This statement makes the therapist's assistant stare at Ezio.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Beside Ezio, Leonardo sighs. "Ezio, for heaven's sake, that's not true. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"If he doesn't love you, I'll take you," Rosa interjects, and Leonardo gives her the closest thing he has to a glare.

"Let's wait until you're actually in therapy before talking about all this, okay?" the therapist's assistant says, "instead of standing out here in the hallway."

"As you wish," Leonardo says, when Ezio just glares at the floor and Rosa watches him.

Once they're all seated, the therapist consults his papers.

"Antonio sent you all here, correct?"

"Yes. He was tired of hearing our... bickering, as he said. Where he got this idea, I don't know." Rosa shrugs.

"I'm sure." The therapist looks at all three. "Well, let's just go around, and everyone share why you're here. Rosa?"

"Ezio doesn't like me." Rosa crosses her arms over her chest, "and he refuses to give me a reason why!"

"Ezio? Could you tell Rosa why you don't like her?" the therapist says, and Ezio huffs out a breath.

"You're not Leonardo, that's why not."

"But that makes no sense!" Rosa cries, and Ezio shrugs.

"What do you expect? You're also pushy."

"Pushy?" Rosa throws her hands up, "when was I ever pushy?"

"When you forced me to help you to the river, for starters. What kind of person forces people to take them across the entire damn city, fight off guards for them, protect their stupid little gondola, and still return to do more favors? It's pushy and it's overbeaing!"

"Okay, that was good," the therapist holds up a hand as Rosa rises out of her seat, proably about to lunge at Ezio and choke him. "Ezio, you keep returning to help, do you not?"

"Yeah, because-"

"Because he loves me!" Rosa shrieks.

"He loves me, not you, for the last time!" Leonardo snaps.

"Well why else would he keep helping me? He takes me places, he escorts me, he protects me, he steals for me, he kills for me! What else is that but professing a secret love for me?"

"He'd better not have a secret love for you," Leonardo turns blue eyes to Ezio, "right?"

"I-"

"He does! He keeps coming back! So many times a day! He spends more time with me than he does with you!"

"No he doesn't..."

"He does, he does! It's because he loves me more!"

"He doesn't... he loves me..."

"Sure, but he loves me more!"

"No..." Leonardo's voice grows softer, "he doesn't..."

"And yet, he still kills for me! He's killed guards and assassinated´for me! Tell me, Leonardo, has he ever risked his life to save you? I seem to recall hearing about an incident with a carriage where he nearly killed you!"

"It was an accident..."

"It was failed homicide! Because he loves me more!"

"Okay," The therapist cuts in, before Rosa can keep screaming and before Leonardo starts to cry, "Ezio, please explain why you keep going back. Do you love Rosa more? Why do you keep helping her?"

"Antonio pays me!" Ezio bursts out, "okay? That's it! I admit it! I take bribe money! I let him bribe me with money to help his stupid little girlfriend! I don't care that it's immoral, and I keep going back, because the more whiney and insufferable she is, the more he pays me!"

Rosa, Leonardo and the therapist are silent.

"You don't love me," Rosa finally says.

"No, I don't" Ezio agrees cheerfully. "Just him."

"Told you so," Leonardo smiles brightly and Rosa just glowers.

"I'm going to kill Antonio," she mumbles.

"Now, Rosa," the therapist soothes, "murder is wrong."

"Not in this case, it isn't." Rosa sinks down in her chair, glaring.

"Leonardo, do you want to go next?" the therapist looks to Leonardo, who looks considerably happier.

"Me? Oh, okay. Ezio's just a little unreasonable, that's all." Leonardo shrugs.

"Is he always like this?" the therapist asks Ezio.

"The mood switching thing? Yeah. It's an artist thing."

"So why is Ezio unreasonable, Leonardo?"

"He just makes all these ridiculous requests, is all."

"Such as?"

"Oh, flying, for one." Leonardo shrugs, "but I did it."

"He can do anything," Ezio beams, and Rosa chokes.

"I see. Well, Ezio, what do you have to say to what Leonardo has told us?" the therapist says. Ezio turns to Leonardo.

"I love you."

"Good enough for me," Leonardo smiles, and Rosa makes a sort of sobbing sound from behind her hands.

"Just for money..." she moans.

"You should feel good about yourself," Ezio says, encouraging tone making Leonardo cringe, knowing Ezio's inability to offer decent advice, "you were more expensive than other women." Rosa starts to sob, and Leonardo heaves a sigh.

"Well now." The therapist coughs, looks around, "how... interesting. I really think we've done all we can here."

"You think so?" Leonardo says.

"Yeah. Let's go home." Ezio turns suddenly to Leonardo, "so... speaking of all that, there's this thing I wanted to do..."

"What?"

"Breathe underwater." He flashes a smile, and Leonardo's smile falls.

"Not again..." he whimpers, burying his face in his hands, "I can't do it, I can't, I can't..." he draws in a shuddering breath, "maybe if I use fire?"

"You are trying to kill me!" Ezio wails, making Rosa jump, "you are, you are!"

"We're definitely done for today" The therapist stands, walks to the door and opens it. "I think we'll be seeing each other again, however. Many times. Wouldn't you agree?"

Rosa pushes past him, sniffing back tears.

"All for money," she whimpers, "what's the point in living anymore if the man I love would rather be with a moody, hysterical artist?"

"He loves me more!" Leonardo calls after her, then looks up at Ezio, "that is, when he isn't asking the impossible of me..." he stalks out the door without Ezio.

"I bet he's plotting to kill me with fire again," Ezio mumbles, trudging after him down the hallway. "'hey, Ezio, let's use a wooden thing to make you fly and power it with fire!' I knew he's trying to kill me..."

The therapist steps outside the room, stopping short when he sees his next patient on the couch outside, wide-eyed.

"Shall we get started?" the therapist says.

"This is them after therapy?" his patient says, looking in the direction the other three left in. "After getting help."

"Yes..."

"Oh. Well." The patient stands, hesitates, "I don't think I have any real problems anymore. Not compared to all... all that. I'll... I'll be leaving now." he starts walking backwards, nearly tripping over a chair, "which way did they go?" the therapst points to the left. "Ah. Thank you." The patient turns and bolts to the right.

The therapist watches through the window as the patient sprints away from the building.

"Maybe I shouldn't schedule their appointments so close together anymore."

 


	2. Chapter 2

The therapist doesn't like to think that some people are beyond help. He likes to think that everyone can be happy and normal and peaceful, and that everything can be solved through sharing feelings and talking through problems.

Now, however, he is seriously starting to reconsider his life's belief.

"Leonardo doesn't love me anymore!"

"Now, Ezio," the therapist tries to soothe, "you said that last week."

"He set me on fire!" Ezio cries, and Leonardo looks absurdly injured.

"You're the one that was supposed to be steering the flying machine."  
"If he really loved you, he wouldn't set you on fire," Rosa says earnestly, "that's why you should leave him for me."

"You're a girl," Ezio says, sounding incredibly disgusted, and Rosa scowls.

"There is nothing wrong with that!"

"Yeah there is. You're all… girly."

"I believe what Ezio is trying to say," Leonardo says calmly, and for a moment, the therapist can breathe a sigh of relief, "is that you're wholly and absolutely not what he wants, and you can never change that, so you are doomed to a life of solitude and self-hatred."

"Uh-" the therapist stammers, staring at Leonardo, who delivered his explanation with the utmost calm and sincerity, "I'm not sure that's-"

"What if I told you he slept with me?" Rosa shrieks, and Leonardo goes pale. Interestingly, Ezio looks as shocked as him.

"He did?" Leonardo whimpers.

"I  _did?"_ Ezio says, "what the  _hell_ was I thinking? Was I drunk? Or knocked out? Was I unconscious?" He stares at the floor, deep in thought, unaware that Rosa's expression is going from unhappy to angry, "maybe I was drugged. That might have been it. Or, wait, maybe I was asleep? And drugged? After getting drunk? Maybe it was so dark, and I was so drunk, that I walked into the wrong house? Maybe it was a threat! Did you threaten me?" He suddenly glares at Rosa, who is speechless, and suddenly, Ezio jumps to his feet. "Did you get me drunk at knifepoint and then drug me, and then knock me unconscious and drug me again, and then erase my memory of it after sleeping with me? No- YOU GOT ME POSSESSED BY A PROSTITUTE'S GHOST, DIDN'T YOU?"

The entire room stares at Ezio in dead silence.

"Ezio," the therapist says carefully, "please sit down and let Rosa explain."

"I was being hypothetical," Rosa says, "you didn't do anything, I was just saying, you know, hypothetically."

"Oh. Well. Then."

"Possessed by a ghost?" Leonardo asks, turning to Ezio, "of a  _prostitute?"_

"It could happen," Ezio says sulkily.

"Rosa," The therapist says, "why do you want Ezio so much?"

"Because he's so incredible!"

"You know," Leonarod says, "that's my favourite thing about him, I think."

"GO TO HELL!" Rosa roars, while the therapist wonders how other people don't realize that Leonardo is sort of secretly malicious and more than a little sadistic. Probably learned it from Ezio.

"Ezio, why don't you want Rosa?"

"Didn't we just go over this?"

"You said it was because she got you possessed by a, uh, prostitute's ghost. I was hoping you'd have a more concrete answer."

"She's a girl."  
"You said that already too."  
"Oh." Ezio pauses, thinks hard, then says, "she's not a guy. Also, she's not Leonardo."

"You'll never be either of those things," Leonardo says helpfully, and Rosa flips him off.

"Right, everyone," The therapist says, "let's be done for the day. I think we've made lots of- uh- progress." And threats, but saying that would probably cause more.

"Progress," Ezio mutters, shoving back his chair and stalking out.

"I wouldn't expect you to know what that is, it's too similar to BEING USEFUL!" Rosa screams after him.

"Are you sure you're a proper therapist?" Leonardo pauses to ask, "I don't feel like we've gotten anywhere at all."

After they've finally gone, the therapist slumps down at his desk, sighing.

Maybe he'd do better to look into finding a job at the harbour instead. Surely dock workers didn't go around screaming anything more strange than obscenities at each other, and certainly didn't accuse each other of – well, whatever the hell it was that had been going through Ezio's head.

"Hey, Ezio," he hears Leonardo's voice from outside, "it means a lot to me to know that the only circumstances that would make you cheat on me would be getting possessed by a dead prostitute."

Life had to be less strange in other professions.

 


End file.
